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Two and a Half Men on CBS

Chuck Lorre, the producer of CBS’ sex-themed sitcom Two and a Half Men (Mondays, 9:00 p.m. ET), has reached a milestone of sorts. Recently, he penned his 300^th “vanity card,” the parting shot that concludes the end credits of television programs. Lorre’s are unique in that his vanity cards are self-written missives, often snarky rebuttals to his detractors (the PTC included) and the supposed martinets that run the CBS network. In one, Lorre personally thanked the PTC (and even sent its staff a box of cupcakes). According to Lorre, the show’s ratings increase whenever it complains about the show’s content. If the PTC simply dismissed the show as “funny and naughty,” the ratings, Lorre claimed, would remain the same. (Lorre has never addressed the fact that literally dozens of sponsors have deserted his program after the PTC informed them of its contents.) Perhaps the PTC should expect another vanity card coming its way; because while, it is debatable whether or not the October 18^th episode was actually funny, it undoubtedly was very naughty…and tasteless, rightfully deserving the title of Worst TV Show of the Week.

In the episode, unrepentant lothario Charlie leaves the house to his hapless brother Alan while he supposedly parties in Las Vegas. In truth, Sin City is more like Suture City, since Charlie has gone to Vegas to get some plastic surgery done. Meanwhile, Alan decides to get a taste of Charlie’s swinging bachelor lifestyle while he’s away. He takes a nap in Charlie’s bed, which has seen some heavy traffic over the years. Alan gives the springs a little test, bouncing his pelvis on the bed: “No wonder he can have so much sex,” Alan muses, “the bed does half the work.” When Alan digs into the nightstand for the television remote control, he discovers Charlie’s “Hooker Money,” which he has evidently forgotten. After finally switching the television on, Alan discovers that it is actually connected to a closed-circuit video camera affixed to the ceiling above the bed, presumably to record Charlie’s sexual encounters. Alan, in his underwear, starts posing in sexual positions while peeking at himself on the screen. He smacks his own rear while screaming, “Who’s you’re daddy? Who’s your daddy?” At that moment, his teenage son Jake walks in and mutters, “Unfortunately, you are.” He informs his father that he’s also on the television downstairs. Alan hands Jake a wad of “hooker money” to convince him that the incident never happened.

In Charlie’s medical hotel room, the doctor runs through the face lift procedures and asks if Charlie wants a penis enlargement while he’s there. “No thanks. For the record, I got a penis enlargement when you walked in the room,” pointing to the well-endowed nurse standing next to the doctor. Later, Charlie dreams that he is waking up after the surgery. The nurse points out that the doctor decided to give him a little extra. She pulls the covers off to reveal that Charlie has a set of taut, surgically-augmented breasts. After initially freaking out, Charlie fondles them and states, “Hang on. You know, this could work.”

Meanwhile, Alan impersonates Charlie and picks up a pretty, wholesome-looking girl at the bar and brings her back home. She eventually admits that she knew all along that Alan was pretending to be Charlie, because she once slept with him before. In fact, she’s turned on by the fact that Alan seems to be into role-playing, unlike Charlie, who hated it. She leads Alan into the bedroom. While he waits for her come out of the bathroom, he asks, “So, Gretchen, what exactly was the role-playing that freaked Charlie out so much?”

“Hang on, you’ll see,” she tells him. “I’m just glad you’re not as uptight as he is.”

When she finally emerges, she is covered in tattoos reminiscent of Nazi imagery. She’s wearing a Third Reich officer’s cap and an armband with a smiley face and Hitler mustache. In a heavy German accent, she asks Alan what he thinks. His reply: “Not a deal-breaker.”

When Charlie returns, he notices a Hitler mustache drawn onto Alan’s lip in indelible ink, and knows exactly whom Alan spent the weekend with.

Apparently, the viewers watched a toned-down version of the episode. In the vanity card at the end of the show, Lorre complains, “Long story short, [CBS] gave me so much grief over material in tonight’s episode, I vented my frustration by writing a card that was not terribly flattering to the network.”

CBS had every right to give him grief. Who knows how far Lorre would have taken some of the jokes? Besides Charlie feeling up his own breasts, few things are more disturbing than Nazi imagery. Thankfully, the episode refrained from showing any swastikas. Still, this isn’t exactly Hogan’s Heroes, and surely some neo-Nazis out there were titillated by this fantasy.

If Lorre reminded himself that CBS is given the privilege of broadcasting its programs for free over the publicly-owned airwaves with the understanding that they must adhere to certain decency standards, perhaps he’ll be less bitter about the fact that he can’t do whatever he likes. It is also worth pointing out that he’s free to take his show off broadcast TV and perform his “funny and naughty” antics on the Internet with all the unfettered “artistic freedom” he wants. But if he did, he might no longer be able to afford to send humble watchdog groups boxes of fancy cupcakes. (By the way, we liked the Velvet Chocolate ones the best).

For strong sexual content, Two and a Half Men deserves the title of Worst TV Show of the Week.