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Bachelor Pad on ABC

It certainly doesn’t bode well that ABC is now taking its cue from VH1. VH1 was the first network to repurpose the collected detritus from other shows and repackage the most memorable losers into an aptly titled spin-off, For the Love of Money. Similarly, in ABC’s new show, Bachelor Pad (Mondays, 8:00 p.m.), which premiered on August 9^th, the rejects from the past eight years of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette have been assembled to live in a posh mansion and compete for a cash prize. Gone are all pretenses that the contestants are there for anything but fleeting notoriety, self-indulgence, and cold-hard cash. Love – as cynical viewers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette have long suspected – is an afterthought, a consolation prize, or a tantalizing distraction from the real goal: $250,000. But, of course, ABC knows you can’t pen a group of hard-bodied, attractive twenty and thirty-somethings inside a mansion with a pool and a never-ending supply of booze without some extracurricular activities happening between the sheets. And to practically ensure that such activities do happen, the producers of the show have crammed everyone into one room where both men and women share bunk-beds in a kind of sexual summer camp for drunk adults. So for wall-to-wall sexual content and suggestive dialogue, the series premiere of Bachelor Pad has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.

Lest viewers assume the former contestants completely left their reality show days behind them after their roses had wilted, think again. Apparently, debauch Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions have taken place over the years, and not without their share of drama. Nikki hates Juan because according to her, he slept with her in order to have a free place to crash while he visited Chicago.  Jesse K. tries to avoid Elizabeth because they slept together during one of those reunions and now Elizabeth is in love with him and thinks they’re dating, while Jesse asserts that he’s “single and ready to mingle.”

Loyalties and rivalries play out during elimination since in this show the guys vote the girls off and vice versa. Immunity can be gained by winning competitions where the victor may also bestow immunity for one member of the opposite sex. If the first competition is any indication of the kinds of challenges the producers have cooked up for the rest of the season, skin takes precedence over strategy. In a massive game of Twister, the bikini-clad women tangle limbs with the shirtless men. Gia, a professional bikini model beckons, “Can someone just help me lift up my top?” Nikki informs David, “My head is right in your ass.” Jesse K. gives Jessie S.’s bum a stellar review: “On a scale of one to smoking hot, Jessie’s definitely smoking hot. She has the nicest ass of anyone I’ve ever seen. And I was definitely enjoying myself watching on the Twister board.” The camera lingers on the women’s breasts and buttocks. It’s a good thing that Natalie decided to put on something to cover her privates because earlier in the show, when they were claiming bunk-beds, she announced, “I don’t have my underwear on yet. I won’t pillow fight unless I have my underwear on.” (Nice to know there are actually times when she insists on underwear, otherwise the camera would have to continually censor her genitalia the way it did during that particular scene.)

Eventually, Craig M. wins the Twister challenge. Despite his reputation as a manipulative backstabber, some of the women immediately ingratiate themselves with him in order to win the second automatic immunity rose. In fact, the easily unhinged Michelle is rumored to have “hooked up” with Craig as certain telltale sounds were heard during the night. Even Elisabeth, who claims to love Jesse K. and who makes no bones about her dislike of Craig, is not above kissing anyone to stay on the show. She states matter-of-factly, “I’ll do whatever I need to do to get the rose.”

No one will argue that the contestants’ motives were entirely pure when they appeared on the Bachelor/Bachelorrette. But without the veneer of romance to cover their true intentions, the people on this show come off as venal, despicable, and reprobate. When each person will do whatever it takes for the sake of money, it’s not strategy; it’s prostitution.

In the wake of VH1’s controversies, the network sought to program more “redemptive” shows, steering away from tawdry dating reality spin-offs and focusing on rehabilitating wayward celebs. Perhaps ABC will have to come up with something pretty good to clean up the trash left behind in this pad.

For strong sexual content Bachelor Pad has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.