“WARNING: The following stunts and activities are being performed by professionals or under the supervision of professionals. Spike and the producers insist that nobody attempt to recreate or reenact any stunt or activity seen on this show.”

The above pronouncement – followed by mocking, maniacal on-screen laughter – served as the introduction to Half-Pint Brawlers (Wednesdays, 11 p.m. ET), the latest bit of televised bolus from cable network Spike, and the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.   

Spike is hardly known for its tasteful and intelligent programming – as witness the disgusting “comedy” Blue Mountain State and the sexist and brainless MANswers. But now, it appears the “network for morons men” is attempting to expand its sphere of offensiveness, by targeting physical abnormalities as well.

Puppet, an obnoxious little person, is shown flipping off the camera and bellowing profanities at an audience, while proclaiming himself a “midget wrestler.” For those not in the know, the word “midget” carries the same degree of offense for little people as does the n-word for African-Americans.

Yet offensive language is just the beginning on Spike’s newest televised travesty. Subsequent scenes show Puppet thrown down the lane of a bowling alley and crashing into the pins; attempting to ride a calf; sledding into a frozen pond; dancing nude with a stripper wearing a huge costume rabbit head; having a billiard ball shot into his crotch; punching out a fellow little person; and humping a full-sized woman’s rear end. 

Not satisfied with physical abuse and size-based slurs, the show proceeds to racial slurs as well. A Mexican little person, dubbed by Puppet “Mexx, the Immigration Sensation,” is shown forcing another wrestler to kiss his naked rear.

Nor is humiliation limited to racial slurs. When Turtle, a “newbie,” wants to join Puppet’s team, the other wrestlers hold him down and forcibly shave his beard, head, rear, and genitals; order him to run up and down a street in his underwear screaming; and force him to wear a dog collar that administers electric shocks.   

But Puppet also takes his share of abuse. As part of his wrestling “pre-show,” Puppet runs an auction, with the highest bidder allowed to assault him – by stapling a dollar bill to his exposed genitals…after which, the lucky woman gets to rip the staple out as the deranged audience bellows, “Bloody sack!”

During a wrestling match, Kato is slammed through a table and suffers genuine injury. As Puppet frantically calls for an ambulance, the camera lovingly focuses on the blood gushing from Kato’s head and spattering the floor. At the hospital, the camera zooms in on Kato’s split-open head as the flesh is pried apart, then again on the gory scar.

Naturally, Spike considers this brainless, extreme programming appropriate for 14 year-olds, as witness the show’s self-assigned rating ofTV-14 LV. And also naturally, Spike – along with the rest of the entertainment industry -- considers it a requirement that every cable and satellite subscriber in the nation should pay for its dreck, whether they want it or not.

For mocking physical abnormalities, glorifying humiliation and violence, and forcing viewers to pay for it, Spike’s Half-Pint Brawlers is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.

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