Randall has a problem: there’s a hole in his crotch where his genitals used to be.

But Randall’s roomie Mark is there to help. “Did you make a list of everything you did with your penis yesterday?” he asks.

Randall has. “Administered genital waxing,” he replies. “Dropped ashes on penis. Made penis watch Bride Wars. Penis did not like that.”

If you find this kind of “humor” delightful, you are one of the tens of fans of Comedy Central’s new animated eczema Ugly Americans (10:30 p.m. ET). If, on the other hand, you find it bizarre, or even downright disgusting, tough luck – you’re paying for it anyway.  And since this scene comprised Comedy Central’s commercial for the April 14^th episode, millions of casual channel-surfing parents and children were exposed to it…and forced to consider the delights of copulating trees, sex with demons, and life as a sex-crazed flesh-eating zombie in the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.  

As the episode of the horror-themed, graphically violent cartoon gets underway, Mark whines to his demonic lover Callie, as she rubs salve on his bloody shoulder. “I don’t mind it a little rough sometimes,” Mark says, “but is it necessary to take actual chunks out of me?” When the insatiable demon demands more sex and Mark is unable to comply, she bursts into flame as Mark shrieks in agony.

But one of the episode’s central plots revolves around “Treegasm,” an orgy of sexual mating between Central Park’s anthropomorphic trees. Mark is indifferent, but Randall attempts to enlighten him: “Treegasm is a sacred day. It combines the beauty of nature with the filth of pornography.” While Mark tries to deal with his office woes and Callie’s PMS, Randall sits in a movie theater, attempting to seduce a female filmgoer. When she shows interest, Randall pats his crotch. “Man up, little buddy. Let’s make it rain,” he smirks.

The lucky viewer then sees a flashback to wizard Larry losing his virginity in a stable in the Middle Ages (as his lover barfs phlegm onto his face), Callie telling Mark, “I have five holes that need to be filled right now!”, and Mark’s “encounter group,” where the participants trade sexually explicit anecdotes. But the capper comes when Mark receives a phone call from Randall: “My dick is missing!”

Proceed to a monologue from Randall about his sexual history: “I’m what they call an ‘ass-whisperer’…so it turns out you don’t want to be donkey-punched after all…then I bled in my stool for twelve days straight…I wouldn’t say I’m into ball torture per se, but…”; Callie vomiting while stripping Mark preparatory to sex; and a phallically-centered montage which concludes with the irked Randall stating, “Having no penis sucks dick.” Follow it up with scenes of Randall kissing and fondling his now-detatched penis, a tree ejaculating sap all over a crowd, and more explicit sex references than you can…um…shake a stick at, and you have the totality of Ugly Americans. American? Sadly, yes. Ugly? Unquestionably.

And you’re paying for every second of it.

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