Petition to Congress:

Dear [NAME]:
 

I am writing you today to ask you to put an end to the licensed extortion of American families by the cable industry. 

 

America’s families are underserved by the broadcast networks, so it is only natural that nearly 90% of Americans choose to subscribe to cable to increase their viewing options.  But as things stand now, if I want to subscribe to the Disney channel, I am also forced to get and pay for the FX network, MTV, Comedy Central, and a slew of other cable channels that I not only don’t want coming into my home, but which undermine the values I hold dear. 

 

It would be unthinkable for a magazine publisher to tell you that in order to get “Better Homes and Gardens,” you also have to pay for a subscription to “Playboy.”  But in effect, that’s exactly what the cable industry has been forcing cable subscribers to do for years. 

 

The cable industry’s response, of course, is to say that if you don’t want MTV, or FX you can always block the channel – but MTV is still getting a portion of my monthly cable bill, whether I watch or not.

 

Why should I be forced to subsidize channels that assault my core values and beliefs?

 

Offering parents the ability to choose the channels they want, and to pay only for those channels, puts power back in the hands of the consumer – of parents – and forces the producers of indecent or violent programming to fund their own raunch.

 

The cable industry has been carried on the backs of American consumers long enough. It is time for this extortion to end.

 

Here is just a sample of the content we must pay for on Comedy Central in order to receive the channels we actually want to watch. I must warn you that this is EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT!

 

Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff

Sunday, August 15, 2010

9:00 PM EST

TV-MA-L

 

Episode Summary:

Roast Master: Seth MacFarland

Comics/Roasters: George Hamilton, Jerry Springer, Lisa Lampenelli, Pam Anderson, Whitney Cummings, Greg Geraldo, Gilbert Gottfried, and Jeffrey Ross.

 

Seth MacFarlane, introducing Lisa Lampanelli: "She's what you might call a sexually progressive woman. Her vagina's like Clorox 2, safe for whites, but really made for coloreds. It's ok for me to do that joke because some of my best friends are white."

Lisa Lampanelli: “David, you're huge in Germany. If they had played your music in Auschwitz the Jews would have sprinted for those ovens."

Lisa Lampanelli: “David's liver is so black it's [bleeped "fucking"] two of the Kardashian sisters."

Lisa Lampanelli: "Look at that old wrinkled brown thing over there, is that George Hamilton or Oprah Winfrey's [bleeped "pussy"]?"

Lisa Lampanelli: "George, you're the closest thing we have to a black on the dais. Oh, that's not because of your skin color. It's because you're a terrible father and you haven't worked in 20 years."

Seth MacFarlane: "Our next presenter Jeffrey Ross puts the Jew back in the phrase 'Fat [bleeped "Fucking"] Jew.'"

Jeffrey Ross: "Why do the Germans love you so much? Maybe because you fill the entertainment void left by Anne Frank."

Hulk Hogan: “The last time I tangled with a Jew, my ex-wife got half my shit."

Gilbert Gottfried: “Lisa, I have one question! Where are all the black guys you claim to be having sex with? Do you really think in this day and age there is a single black guy who would be caught dead inside anyone who is the size of a slave ship? Actually, Lisa has an important role in African American history--it turns out the last black man to pick cotton was yanking out her tampon."

Whitney Cummings: "Lisa, your vagina's like a bad movie--it opened wide and all the Wayans brothers have been in it."

Greg Giraldo: "Your liver is so shriveled, black, and dead, if you put your ear to your side, you'll hear it say, 'What you talking about Willis?'"